He Hid

It's been a long time since posting very much on the blog.  Much has transpired over this time and rather than try to catch up, I will start where I am.

I do not know how much I will be writing about running and racing, so if you come here for that, you might be a bit uninterested in what I am writing.  Perhaps not.  Either way, you are welcome to stay and even comment if you'd like.  

Today's Gospel is quite the powerhouse, isn't it?  Jesus is telling the elders that HE is equivalent to God by using the phrase, I AM.  At this point in time, that name was only used by Yahweh Himself.  

Jesus said to them, “Amen, amen, I say to you,
before Abraham came to be, I AM.”So they picked up stones to throw at him;but Jesus hid and went out of the temple area.


Most every reflection I read on this particular Gospel passage speaks to the profound power in the "I AM" and as it should be.  Today, however, I was struck by the last line...

but Jesus HID and went out of the temple area.

Jesus hid himself from his people.  And in placing myself in the Living Word, I see that Jesus hid from me.  Why?  Why does He hide himself and then LEAVE the temple?!  I felt very uncomfortable with this.  As I sat with the scripture a bit more, I recall that in the Old Testament, God hid his face from his people when he found they were doing evil; when they lacked faithfulness.  In this passage, the Jews were about to stone Him.  For the sake of their souls, and because He knew it was not yet His time for His Passion, Jesus hid himself and left the area so that He could carry out his mission.  In reading through the entire 8th chapter of John, we first see that he meets the adulterous woman and challenges the Pharisees and some might even say out-witted them by not blaspheming God, but instead, point to the sins of all the accusers.  He then offers forgiveness to the woman and then begins to immediately reveal to the Pharisees exactly who He is, "the Light of the World",   Of course the Pharisees question his credibility by pointing out that He is testifying on his own behalf.   Jesus then answers this by telling them that The Father will testify for Him because The Father sent him!  Can you imagine the anger that was being stoked in the hearts of the Pharisees?!

Jesus is allowed to leave and not be arrested and he begins to teach about sin, their sinfulness, and how he has come to save them all.  He reminds them that "if they were children of Abraham, they would be doing the work of Abraham", (Jn 8:39)  In other words, they were not living as faithful people of God, rather they were steeped in sin.

The passages continue with much more deep revelation about who Jesus is and why He came.  He even tells the people that they belong to their father the devil!  Ouch!

But back to what struck me today...Jesus Hid.  In my life today, does Jesus ever hide from me?  I have always felt that when I am furthest from him, it is because I have turned away from him.  I still believe that this is true, but perhaps it is even deeper than that.  Perhaps, just as when someone I love is doing something I can't bear to watch, literally or figuratively, I hide my face from them.  I do not watch.  I ignore.  Radio Silence.   I wonder,   Does Jesus hide his precious face from me when I sin?  When I am not faithfully living in the Gospel?  Scripture tells me that God does.  And when I think of the possibility that Jesus might be so hurt by my sin, I am dismayed.  

Psalm 30:7 mentions that David too was dismayed when God hid his face.  Why does God do this?  I am not a scholar, nor a theologian, but I have to wonder, does Jesus hide because it helps me to yearn to see Him again?  If I hurt my friend's feelings and they do not want to speak to me or see me, what do I want more than anything in the world?  To see them.  To speak to them.  To reconcile with them.  
Jesus wants me to reconcile with Him as well.  He IS always there for me to come back to.  But he will not come where he is not invited.  He will not remove my freedom to choose sin.  So I can not expect that He will never hide himself from me.  If I am unfaithful and unwilling to see my evil deeds, then it seems as though Christ hidden from me would not be to difficult to understand.  

The beautiful thing in all of this is His mercy.  If there is the teeniest, tiniest, smidgen of effort on my part to reconcile, He is there.  And I am remade in Him.  

For Scott

You were taken from us a week ago today.  Never did a daily mile post go by that you didn't add an encouraging word to.  The advice you passed along through our email conversations will forever be saved in a special folder with your name on it. 

Thank you for being a wonderful friend.  I can not  imagine how much your family misses you.  I miss you.  All of DM misses you.  And most of us have never met you.

I pray I can touch half as many lives with half as much kindness as you did, friend.  I pray that you and Dale are riding the hills of Heaven together while looking down on us.  Don't mind our tears.  They will fade in time leaving behind a smile that is there because we were blessed to know you.

I pray for the soul that hit you, going 100 miles per hour.  I know that he can't live in peace now.  May he find a way to go on in a constructive way, because I am certain you wouldn't want it any other way.

May your family recall all of the memories you have made together and that they share the many stories of your love and life with your grandchildren.   I pray that your beautiful wife knows just how much you want to be with her.  I also pray that she feels all of the love from the people around the globe that you have inspired and encouraged.  

This week has been so difficult.  I am thankful I was able to talk to you today while on my prayer walk.  I was able to let go of some of the anger, some of the pain, some of the hurt.  There will always be a Scott sized hole in my heart.  Tonight, however, I bid you peace.  Peace in the eternal space that only love resides. 

Rest dear one. 

Aeturnus Discipulus

I have been quiet the last few months as I have been on again and off again with my running, my quest with simplifying, and my faith journey.

Sometimes we just get stuck.  Usually, not everything gets stuck at the same time, but for some strange reason, in a perfect storm of events, my world got stuck.  Or at least it seemed to.  

I was able to get away on retreat a few weeks ago and the important take-away from my time in silence was, "Just Breathe" and "Love".   So simple, yet, for me, so telling.  If I feel like I am choking, stifled, angst-filled, I obviously am not "breathing".  What must I do to live?  Just breathe.  What must I do to be happy?  Just breathe.  What must I do to spend eternity with Christ?  Just breathe.  And love.  If I am breathing, I can love.  If I am choking, all I can do is worry about myself.  

I asked God to help me to remain a learner, a student, a discipulus.  Forever.  I am seeing now that the "stuck" period wasn't really a period of non-movement, rather it was a time to experience the muck of life that I allow to choke me.  And in that experience, I am humbled yet again.  I am nothing without Him.  And I would not want to BE without Him.  So I begged to remain a disciple. 

How does this pertain to running?  My running has always been reflective of my spiritual life and it is only fitting that as I emerge from another layer of myself being peeled away, that my running also go through a time of change, a time of learning, a time of growth.  So I am a beginner once more.  In my faith, in my running, in my perception of how I see others.  

I am so thankful that He has blessed me with the chance to start fresh.  In my new wineskins.  I pray that I can "just breathe" and "love".

The next smatterings of posts will be about how it feels to begin again.  Again.  

The Thoughts of a Running Mystic

I set out for an 8 miler in my mind today.  Decided to try and track some of my thoughts each mile for some amusement.  At least it got a blog post out of me!

Mile 0-1:  I FEEL GREAT!!!  It's not too hot...it's actually quite pleasant, at least in the shade.  Stay in the shade.  I think I will run 10 miles, maybe even 12!  I will pass Jim up in no time!!  

Mile 1-2:  My toe is starting to hurt.  Keep the focus on the breath.  Listening to Rich Mullins.  His music is so fantastic.  

Mile 2-3:  Wow!  It's HOT!  I'm sweating a ton!  I need to walk a bit...30 seconds.  OK...wipe the sweat off...It's hot.  really hot...did I mention how hot it is?  Jim who?  Jessica who?  What challenge?  Maybe I will turn this into a run for time instead of distance.  I can run 30 minutes and turn around.  That would be ok.  I mean, I'd be over 6 miles in an hour.  That's ok by me. Dang it's hot.  I love this song....

Mile 3-4:   I'm at 25 minutes.  Surely I can make it 8 miles today.  I will decide at the corner.  If I want to cut it short, I will take the short way home.  Rich Mullins can really grab the essence of God, can't he?  Maybe another short walk break.  OK...one minute of walking-GO.  If I cut the run short, I will get home to start the laundry that much faster.  Decision made, I am NOT cutting the run short.  I will run 8 miles and then do the laundry after lunch.  

Mile 4-5:  Can't turn back now!  Heading home the long way.  Look at that pool...Forget the laundry, we are going to the POOL when I get home!  I mean, it is HOT!   I love the lyrics to this song.  Lord, I know that you love me, but sometimes, I feel so far away.  It doesn't take more than an instant for me to become aware of your presence that I recall your love and mercy.  You forgive me once and forever.  All of my sin and shame are forgiven.  Yes, even those. Thank you, Lord.  

Mile 5-6:  How would I describe my spirituality?  I am drawn to the Franciscan life.  A life of quiet simplicity, a life of gospel love, a life lived that is not of my own design.  I am also drawn to the Ignatian interior life.  Finding God in each moment of every day; in each person I meet along the way.  I am so blessed.  I want a BLT.  Wave hello to that lady and smile.  I might be the only person she meets today with a smile. 

Mile 6-7:  (Bathroom stop)  I hope that there aren't any horseflies in there today.  I despise flies.  I hate horseflies.  OK, Lord, show me where you are in the horsefly.  What is their purpose?  I don't think that they have one.  Running past the dog park...no dogs out there today.  TOO HOT!  Poor Rosie, she wanted to run.  It's too warm.  I am too tired to take her out.  Maybe tonight when it cools down.  Oh, wait, I can't go tonight...I am picking up the Missionaries!!!  Foo is coming home from Haiti!!  Praise God!!  I can't wait for that BLT!!!  I am so glad Jim and Jessica encouraged me in this challenge...I love those guys!  We are a team.  A team in Christ!  Holding hands and running towards that finish line!  Jim can get that cake! 

Mile 7-8:  I am feeling good right now!  Everything feels right...even the sweat.  Thank you Lord for a glorious run, for time with you, for all that you bring me to, I love you!  I wonder if I can get Lem to start on the bacon while I shower...

Mile 8-home:  Switched to Third Day and sang King of Glory!  

Home:  Rosie is waiting...headed back out the door for a Rosie mile.  She loves this.  I love that we can do this together.  Wouldn't this whole experience be a ridiculous blog entry?

Faith

Sometimes all that is revealed to us is the very next step that we must take as we step out in faith.  

Faith is not believing in something that we can not see; faith is knowing we can trust that God will  lead us into the fog as he prepares us for something that He has planned just for us.  He always has and always will, the only variable is whether or not we take the time to listen to His whispers.

4th Week of Advent - Hope

As I prayed the Gospel this morning with the children, I was struck by the lines within the New Testament which come directly from the Old Testament reading from Isaiah:

Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall name him Emmanuel.

Imagine Joseph upon hearing these words from Scripture within his dream, spoken to him by an angel;  imagine the comfort he must have felt knowing that God was blessing him.  No matter what troubles he might have to endure in his life, he was comforted by the hope of Emmanuel as promised in Scripture.  

From a human perspective, I can believe it was still very difficult trying to be a man in this precarious situation given the times he lived in, but knowing that God offered him hope through the words of the prophets must have given him the strength he needed to do what might otherwise have seemed impossible.

Emmanuel.  God is with us.  Emmanuel.  Hope. Joy.  Love. Peace.    I often reflect upon my own steps during this beautiful season of Advent, all times truthfully, but Advent offers a specific focus each week.  

During Week One, was I at Peace?  More importantly, did I offer Peace?  Did I put aside difficulties with others so as to create Peace within those relationships?  Did I draw upon Christ for the strength do to so?  Also, did I bring Peace to others whom I do not know.  The store clerks, the nurses in a doctor's office, the customer service rep on the telephone.  Was I Peace to those I encountered?  

Week Two exudes Love.  Again, I ask myself, was I Love to all who I interacted with?  Was I Love to those that I may not feel deserve to have my Love.  I remind myself of how undeserving I am of His Love, but He offers it.  Freely.  And generously.

Week Three proclaims Joy!  The children can not wait to light that rose colored candle as they wait in JOYFUL HOPE for the coming of Christmas.  How Joy-filled have I allowed this time to be?  Or did I allow it to be a period of stress and anxiety that proclaims nothing but misery, guilt, and feelings of ambivalence?  

Week Four has arrived and we now turn to Hope.  The Hope of Christmas.  The Hope of the Savior; Emmanuel.  Not just a name or a title; a promise.  A Hope-filled promise from God that He is with us always.  Even when we are not at peace.  When we do not love.  When we have lost our joy.  He offers us hope through His gift to us.

My faith calls me to be the hands and feet of Christ as I am a member of the body of Christ.  So, today, my deep reflection leaves me with this question...

Am I Emmanuel to those I meet?

My prayer is that I am.  I know that I am not nearly as loving as I am called to be, but my HOPE lies in the Emmanuel within me.  And as I sing Psalm 24, I leave my heart open even more to allow Him to transform me to the point where I do not recognize myself.  

Let the Lord enter; he is the king of glory. 

Begin

Blogging has become something that I wish I could do, but have no desire to do.  Makes the writing process  a bit more challenging. 

I'm tired.  Exhausted really.  In most every area.  2013 has been a year of wonderful things and amazing moments.  It has also been a year of challenges that I never envisioned facing in my life.  We never envision facing things unpleasant I suppose.

I've come to question everything.  Everything.  Every.  Little.  Thing.  And what remains is this.

I love God. 

I love my Church.

I love my family.

I love the few close friends I have.

I love the country I used to know.

All else is unimportant.  I have come to realize that the better part of my 48 years has been spent trying to please someone other than my God, whether it was myself or some other human.  Either way, it never ended up being true joy.  Only He can provide my joy.  Often He uses my family and friends to show it to me, but ultimately, it is a conversation between He and I. 

All else is up in the air.  Things that used to seem important and noble seem less so now.  Perhaps it is because of the emerging that my soul has gone through over the last year.  Perhaps it is just the transition point between where I was and where I am going. 

I have felt a call to disconnect from most things these days.  Social media, the news, even prayer lines...all seem to pull me away from my goal of growing closer to Him.  My own sin is capable of doing this...I don't need the extra help. 

I miss writing, but even here I feel there is a level of expectation that I can no longer maintain.  Begin.  That is the message I hear.  Begin.  Just start.  Don't worry who is reading, who is watching.  It isn't for them anyway. 

So here I am.  To begin.  Again.  To write.  Again.  A little every day.  Like it or hate it.  It is what it is. 

One Year Later

Lara has penned one of the most beautiful tributes to love, loss, and the lessons that await us within the depth of the most painful experience a parent, a sibling, or any loved one will endure.  Take a moment to fall into this one.

Love and Loss at One Year

This little saint continues to teach me lessons.  Thank you, Hans. 

Ironman Texas 2013

Pre Race
Mark and I were up at 4:15 and out the door by 5:10 to get to transition by 5:30.  I found it strange that transition opened so late and while I was double checking the bike and placing my bottles, the announcer kept repeating that they would close transition at 6:15.  I suppose when everything has to be checked in the day before, people do not need much time to get into transition on race morning.

It was quite a walk from transition, Town Green Park, to Northshore Park, where the swim start was staged.  After spending about 40 mins in line for the bathroom, it was time to take a few quick pictures with Mark and Lem.

  I also had the pleasure of meeting up with Erica, Debra, and Dinh!

Next it was time to get into the water and await the shot of the cannon.  As I entered to the right of the dock, I noticed the cannon on the shore line.  I had a good laugh as the thing was maybe a foot long.  It looked like a toy!  But it did it's job, and did it well.    There was lots of nervous energy surrounding me in the water.  I placed myself into a quiet place, said some prayers, got a bit teary-eyed, and then, decided it was time to have fun.

I will list projected times and actual times for each discipline, however, I want to mention that I did not wear a watch to monitor my pace for any of this race.  I did wear a heart rate monitor and made every effort to stay in high zone 2. 

The Swim :  Projected Time:  1:45 - 1:50.  Actual Time:  1:46:36  Avg HR 158; mid zone 2.

I had a difficult time trying to make up my mind about the swim, to wear a wet suit or not?  Finally, on Friday evening, I made the decision to trust completely in my ability to swim this distance, something I have done many times over the last few months, albeit, in a pool, but I knew I could swim this race without the wetsuit.  With that decision made, the only thing left to do was stay calm and try not to allow the typical open water swim panic set in.  I have a great fear of getting hit, breaking a toe or hand, or being swum over.
Fortunately, all of these fears were avoided, mostly.  A few bumps and swipes, but nothing very bad. I stayed on the far right until I reached the canal where I chose to stay in the middle, avoiding the sides where people were walking.
I was very comfortable swimming, not experiencing any feelings of anxiety or panic.  I kept my strokes slow and controlled, my breathing consistent and on the 3 count.  I used the breast stroke when I found I was bumping into people, sought out a place of comfort, and then continued on.  My sighting was easy enough as the buoys were not difficult to see and truthfully, I just kept following the bright caps in front of me.
About half way through the distance, the wet suit wave caught up to us.  I was surprised at how even with a ten minute delay, they were quickly able to reach us.  I continued to the canal and then felt the "washing machine" effect of the water moving side to side as we pressed forward.  As I turned to breathe, I saw many swimmers actually standing up to walk.  As tempting as that seemed, my pride got the best of me and I did not walk, as I did not want any pictures of me showing up "walking" my swim.
I actually sighted Mark and Lem on the side of the water way and George and Trudy!  It was so nice to see them!  I waved and gave them a thumbs up.

Seeing the final red buoy and the stairs to climb out, I was elated to finish this swim.  I think that this was the best I have ever felt after a swim of this length.

"I did NOT drown!!"

T1 Time:  Projected Time: 10:00; Actual Time:  9:42

Took the time to apply enough sunscreen, dry my feet well and take in some calories.  This was all a blur, but I do know that the volunteers were so helpful, kind, and eager to do whatever was necessary to help us get onto the bike.

The Bike:  Projected Time:  7 - 7.5 hours; Actual Time:  7:30:24

This was the part of the race I was probably most concerned about.  I am not a strong cyclist and I have had some difficult training rides, especially on the back part of the course, miles 60-90.  Before starting the race, I made up my mind that know matter what, I would not drop from this race on my own volition.  If I was pulled for medical or failing to meet a cut off, then so be it, but I would not drop.
That decision made, I put myself in a good place mentally.  I focused a great amount of mental energy on staying in my HR zone and I was diligent in my hydration and nutrition.  The first 30 miles of the course, my HR was 20-25 beats into zone 3, usually not an issue on the bike for me, but I determined the heat coupled with the race endorphins were the culprit.  I kept the cadence high and the gears low and had a great ride.
I knew it was hot, but I never asked anyone what the temps were.  I did not want a number in my head to play games with my mind.  I stopped at every aid station long enough to squeeze a full bottle of water into my bike bottle.  It didn't take longer than a minute, but this was an important detail.  I was thankful I had done this by mile 95 as the aid station prior to 95 was 15 miles earlier rather than 10.
I saw MANY guys down on the road.  Heat was getting them.  I passed along some of my s caps and advil to people who needed it and stayed consistent with my own hydration and nutrition.
My nutrition consisted of Tailwind, 265 calories + 24 ounces (at least) of water, and 2 Clif blox per hour.  This magic number was my key to this race, as was the Tailwind Nutrition.  I can't say enough about this product.  It does exactly what it says it will do, and as someone who has suffered several bouts of heat stroke, dehydration, and had to take more than a few dnf's for these conditions, I feel safe in saying, Tailwind saved my race.
I saw Stacy at mile 60, then again at mile 80.  It was so uplifting to see her.  I also was able to speak with The Twinings at the aid station at mile 80.  A true blessing to have them come out to see me and I loved giving them big sweaty hugs!
There was also someone cheering me on on mile 70, but I don't know who it was as I passed by before my eyes could see who they were.  Whomever it was, THANK YOU, for being out there!
Mark and the entire family were at mile 90, and then I saw more friends at mile 110.  I can't say enough how much having support on the course helps.

The only real issue I had on the bike was my feet.  They began to feel as though they were on fire at about mile 70 and by mile 95, I thought I might have to lose the shoes and pedal barefoot.  An aid station volunteer asked me how I was, I mentioned the feet, and she said she was a cyclist and told me to loosen my shoes and start pulling up more.  What an angel.  Elaine Mims, I don't know who you are, but you were spot on!  I did what you suggested and the burning sensation went away almost immediately.
Again, the volunteers working out on the course were amazing.  I pulled into one aid station and saw my friend Ruth who did not know I was doing the race.  When she asked what I needed, I told her a hug, and she obliged!  Thank you Ruth!

T2 Projected Time 10:00 mins; Actual Time 24:00 mins.

I came into T2 with the end of the bike being more of a blur.  I felt great, but knew I needed to cool down before heading out on the run.  I made the decision to take longer in transition under the canopy to cool the core, change clothes, hydrate and apply more sunscreen.  I can't say enough about the ladies working in the changing tents.  They saw nasty stuff and helped remove disgusting clothes.  They applied sunscreen and took excellent care of us.  These folks are not just volunteers, they are saints!
Apparently, people were worried about me being in T2 so long, I never gave it a second thought because I knew exactly what I was doing there.  I didn't know how hot it really was, but I knew it was hot and heading back out without being properly cooled could have had detrimental effects on my run.
Later, when uploading the bike computer info, I was not surprised to see that the temps on the course were 104 degrees.  With little to no shade, with the exception of a few miles in the National Forest, the radiating heat coming off the road is surely what took many of the cyclists down.

The Run:  Projected Time:  4.5 - 5 hours; Actual Time:  5:36:21

The run was a 3 loop course which, in my opinion was perfect for both the athletes and the spectators.  Aid stations were every mile and I never saw a lack of enthusiasm from the volunteers, nor supplies such as ice, water, cola, etc.  Anything I needed, they had.  In the late stages of the run, I needed vaseline and they had plenty of it.
Each loop I planned to run as slow as needed to stay cool and hydrated.  I iced myself often, used the sponges and the water hoses whenever they were offered.  I utilized the 8/2 run/walk pattern as needed.
At one point on loop two, I was trying to do the math for the cut off, and asked Erica about it, thank God for her!  She told me I was on target and to keep doing what I was doing and I would be fine.  That was the only moment of doubt I had and with her reassurance, I let go of my concern and continued enjoying the run.
The kids had all made signs for me and I saw them on each loop.  I saw many friends along the route and made new ones that ran the race with me.

The run wasn't pretty as far as pace goes, but it was amazing as far as experiences go.  Seeing my family and friends at many locations through out the course was incredible.  People I didn't know doing things just to cheer the runners on whether it was dressing as male dancers( I took time to dance with them!) or playing loud music, or cheering as loud as they possibly could just to keep our spirits high!  And seeing friends that I did know working at aid stations, making sure I got a special touch of love, a hug, a smile, anything they could to encourage me.

I swear I must have had one of the largest cheering sections of all the athletes!  They are absolutely the best friends and family anyone could ever ask for, and I am humbled by the amount of sacrifice that they made in order for me to participate in this event.  For all the hours of my absence they endured while I trained, planned, rested, and trained some more, for the financial expense that a race of this nature incurs.  For the important events I missed while training and even while racing.  Foo's prom was the same night as the race and I was not there for him.  I know he understands, but if I have any regret, it is that I missed his day.  He did tell me that he saw me cross the finish line!  His prom was at the same hotel that the race was stationed out of and by some miracle, he came outside just as I crossed the finish line.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Speaking of the finish line, it was above and beyond the most amazing finish I have ever had.  Literally thousands of people lining the street, screaming and cheering, high-fiving, and fist pumping us all the way through the chute!  I think this picture taken by Mel really captures the moment so well.  It was all a blur, yet at the same time, I was stuck in time.

 I felt like a rock star and while this normally would make me very uncomfortable, I gladly accepted the vibes sent my way so as to honor my friends and family who have done so much for me.  This was not about me.  This was about us.  A group effort, led by our Father, fed by the Holy Spirit, and completed through Christ. 
Ironman's motto is "Anything is possible."  I believe this in my heart of hearts, but I think more accurately, it should be stated, "Anything is possible, through Christ who gives me strength."  

Upon crossing the finish line, I was caught by some wonderful friends, George and Trudy.  They took excellent care of me!  George made sure I hit all the appropriate stops along the way of the finishers alley.  Received my medal, my shirt, my hat, and took a picture.  He then walked me to my wonderful family.  Before long, I was encircled by many friends and family that had come to support me.  I felt completely loved as I turned around looking at all of the faces smiling at me.  I was awestruck.  To say I feel blessed does not even begin to describe it.  What I felt was the love that is known as Agape love.  A love beyond human love. 

I am going to place a few pictures here from the run and the finish.

Erica, Debra, and Might E! Helping me stay the course!

 

No words.

Finish Line is in Sight!

All Glory Be To God!

I would be greatly remiss if I did not give great thanks to Richard.  Not only did he overcome his obstacles far greater than my own to complete his 3rd Ironman to date, he held my hand through the last year of training, answering any and all questions I had, silly or not.  He encouraged me and believed in me when I could not believe that this was possible.  We spent many hours together training and talking and I have no doubt that without his help, I would not have completed this milestone.  Thank you is so inadequate in this situation, but it is all I have.  Thank you and I will pay it forward to someone else.
Also, to Angie and Amber, two wonderful new friends that I pray I will always be able to train with.  You girls are amazing and I love you!  This journey was complete because you were with me.

Of course, Mark, more than anyone, deserves the IM medal more than I.  No one else could put up with what I put him through.  For everything, for every single thing, thank you, and I love you.  Forever.

To my children and grandchildren, I love you more than life itself.  I know I have been a challenge to live with the last few months.  I appreciate your selfless giving of countless hours of babysitting, praying, coffee making, cooking and cleaning.  You guys are the best!

To my extended family, I love you more than ever before.  We have come through some real challenges as a family over the years and to be able to share this celebration of life with you is a gift.  I thank God every day for you and for all that you give of yourselves to me and to my children.

To my wonderful friends.  I would love to name you all, but I know I would leave someone out and I just can't bear that.  Know that I love each and everyone of you and that your prayers carried me through IMTX.  I felt every single one as I smiled through the entire course.  There is only one reason that this experience was as joyful as it was and it is purely due to your prayers, your cheers, your encouragement, your love.  Forever, I am grateful to you.  Each and every one. 

On Being a Runner

April 15, 2013

Patriot's Day in Boston.  The beloved Boston Marathon.  An event so much like every other marathon, yet, in the same breath, so uniquely different.

The attacks that transpired yesterday were an attack on freedom.  Be it a domestic or foreign source of origin, it was an attack on the American Spirit.

As a running community, support and steadfastness are never in short supply.  Any reason we can find to run, be it a way to help a local food pantry, raise money for a cancer patient, drum up support for our fallen heroes, we are there, doing sometimes what is the only thing we know how to do.  We run.  Some fast, some slow, some middle of the pack.  But we run.  We don't care where our fellow runner stands politically, spiritually, or financially.  We only care.  We share a bond that very few others share.

I have met many people, discovered that they are runners, and while we may have no other thing in common, we run.  Together.  Even if we aren't together.  We race, together.  Even if they run a 6 min pace and I run a 12 min pace, we are connected by the spirit of the run.

Many have noted that the attack in Boston was on runners.  And it was.  But what's more, they attacked those who support runners.  The ones who might never run, who may have run once upon a time, the ones who make it possible for US to run.  The attack was directed at our support, our life line, the very ones who sacrifice the most to allow us running folks to do what we do. 

While we runners will do most anything to support one another, we will do even more for them, the unsung heroes in our world.  There are no bounds.  There are no limits.  There are no excuses for what evil has done.  There is no explanation that will suffice.  Evil is evil, but God is God, and Truth, Freedom, Peace, and Love ALWAYS prevail.  Always.

However you choose to honor those affected by the senseless, selfish, evil that took place yesterday, never allow your heart to be tainted by what occurred.  Allow it to grieve, allow it to heal.    But don't let evil win. 

Romans16:20

The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you.

Pax

Habemus Papam!

Viva il Papa!

The Big Picture

Tonight at the Y, I was frantically trying to get my spin done so I could hurry home to eat dinner and get on with other chores that I am falling behind on and maybe even spend a few minutes with my kiddos before bedtime.

From across the room, I noticed a woman and a young man, probably in his late teens, maybe even his early 20s.  I could ascertain that this young man was the woman's son and was autistic.  He was not very verbal, but he was physically very fit and able-bodied.   His mother was helping him complete his workout on the Cybex machines.  She would run him through his sets, then he would sit directly in front of her while she did hers.

She was so kind.  She was so loving.  She was so patient.  I have always thanked God for the health of my children, and I have watch my children struggle with different situations from learning difficulties to emotional health problems.  I have close friends that have children with very serious health conditions and I have always admired them.  The parent of a special needs child lives a life of complete sacrifice and constant devotion.  If I am having a particularly bad spell with a child of mine, I can get out for a bit alone and get myself back on track.

The parents of a special needs child does not get this option.  These saints on earth dedicate their entire lives, for the rest of their lives, helping to care for, sometimes completely, these beautiful souls from Heaven.  I know how difficult this must be as I have talked with many parents that have children requiring this level of care.  These are the most selfless people who take on the most often thankless job of caregiver. 

For a moment last night, I felt somewhat guilty.  I mean, here I am training for an Ironman.  Worried about silly things like, "Will I have time to fit a swim in tomorrow if I am running child A to all of their appointments."  And this woman, helping her son as I am sure she has done every day of his life up to this point, will more than likely never have the time to dedicate to what I am blessed to do.    I began to feel a bit shallow, and again, I thanked God for the health of my children and their ability to grow to be independent adults one day.  Then I began to feel sorrow for her.  Until....

Her back was to me as she sat on the Cybex machine getting ready to do her set.  Her son sat dutifully directly in front of her and I could see his face.  He was so happy!  He was looking at his mother with the most beautiful eyes and smile I have ever seen!  He took her hand and rubbed in on his head, seeking comfort from her.  She accommodated him.  Then he took her hand and kissed it.  Over and over and over again.  He kissed her hand.  And I saw Jesus.  Kissing the hand of Our Blessed Mother.  And it was beautiful.

In all circumstances, give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus. 
 1Thessalonians 5:18

Embracing the Broken

I have a few posts for the old blog sitting in the "waiting to be published" category, yet training and life in general seems to be taking the majority of my time and brain power.  Forming complete sentences is a challenge to me lately as I juggle things to get every thing in.

Yesterday a friend of mine asked if I had read a book that she suggested to me two weeks ago.  I, very seriously, blurted out, "I won't have time to read til May".  When I realized what I said, I felt ridiculous.  How is it possible that I don't have time to read until May?

This is a season in my life where reading is put on hold, unless it has to do with homeschooling, faith, or training.  I have also put organizing closets, home decorating/maintenance, and gardening on the back burner until May.

As training intensifies for IMTX, my desire for other outside interests has to rest.  I am still busy with many other things in my daily life; church commitments, the kids activities, homeschooling, college searching for one child, wedding preparations for another, keeping tabs on aging parents, and trying to be the best mom and wife I can be in the process.

With God's help, I pray that I can do all of these things with some amount of grace, but I often feel like I am failing.  I didn't get ALL of my workouts in.  We didn't get ALL of our schoolwork done. I haven't figured out ALL of the details to various situations we are navigating as a family right now,  I haven't returned EVERY email and phone call I received today.  These weigh heavily on my mind.  I pride myself in being able to handle many things at a time.  Pride.  My root sin.  And therein lies the challenge.

Am I going to allow myself to be imperfect?  I know that I am far from any aspect of perfection that exists, but somewhere, in the depths of my soul, I yearn for perfection, "Be Holy, as your Father is Holy".  In order to become Holy, I must become broken.  Truthfully, I must accept my broken-ness.

As I journey this new adventure in training for such a challenging race, I am trying to align the difficulties that I find along the way, especially, the mental game that I play with myself, with my spiritual life.

My path to God is cluttered with self-doubt, self-indulgence, self-hate, self-love, and the list goes on.  These things are what keep me from Him and from what He has for me.  These same things keep me from executing my training as I should at times as well.  As I face my interior demons, I realize that mastery over them will not only get me, hopefully to the start line on May 18th, but perhaps lead me also to a deeper understanding of just how much God loves me, imperfections and all. 

This week, one of my reflections which was addressing "The Predominant Fault" stated,

 As you make progress against your main fault, you will find your other faults easier to control.  Once you are the master of your heart, you will be the master of your life. 

Note the lowercase 'm' on the term master.  God is God, and I am not Him.

Another reflection from the same text I have been using stated,

My Child, there is one thing that stops many from making spiritual progress and keeps them from improving themselves.  It is a fear of the difficulties or of the work required by their effort.  The people who rise highest to holiness are those who are brave enough to fight against whatever holds them back from Me, no matter how hard or disagreeable the effort may be.  

This passage can be taken by all, Christians, non-Christians, agnostics, and unbelievers, if one replaces three words...spiritual, holiness, and Me.  Insert your aim, your personal goal, your struggle to become that best-version-of-yourself for whatever motivates you.

In my case, my holiness, that is my path to Christ, is my ultimate finish line.  To take this simple yet profound passage and apply it to my training (as silly as that seems as I type this), only reinforces to me that how I live my daily life, how I execute that which I am called to do, will yield a result directly related to my commitment and effort. 

After I read this reflection, I had a deeper understanding as to how important it is for me to accept my broken-ness, my humanity, and embrace it. Once I can do this, I can master my heart and master my life, which for me means that I turn myself over completely to Him.

Today, I am striving to continue my quest as an athlete and as a follower of Christ and when difficulties arise,  I will continue to pursue relentless forward progress.

Peace.

**  Reflections come from My Daily Bread, a book of reflections written by the Confraternity of the Precious Blood.  You can read a pdf version here, or you can purchase a copy here.

Farewell 2012!

I have heard it said by many people that 2012 was a terrible year.  A horrible year.  A year they would like to forget.  Some of these people have also said the very same thing about 2011, 2010, 2009, etc.

I'd like to send 2012 off with many thanks.  It's been a challenging year on many fronts.  While setting my goals, personal, spiritual, and athletic, for 2012, I knew that these would involve some discomfort and discontent for me.

All of my goals had to be built from my baseline spiritual goals.  There was one goal with 5 aspects.  Everything I did, everything, every single thing, had to be in line and beneficial for each of the following which I call

 The 5 Things:
1.  My relationship with God
2.  My marriage
3.  My children and extended family relationships
4.  My health
5.  Becoming debt free

From each of these aspects, I built my goals.  In each area, I am thankful to say that I have made great strides!  Of course I am far from where I'd like to eventually be, but I am moving in the right direction and have done the work necessary to continue to work on these things in a deeper and more meaningful way.

The troublesome times definitely showed up.  Points where I had to decide that even the good things I was involved in had to go.  Negative people and situations had to be removed if there was no hope of things changing.  That old saying about life being too short...I get it now.

Losing "friends" and feeling quite lonely has been the most difficult thing of all.  Once a very social and outgoing person, I find I do most things alone now.  I have a circle of friends that are true and not an inflated version of what friendship should be.  I am so very grateful and blessed by these people.

I have found myself being called to a lifestyle that is so contrary to anything that I ever have been before and yet, I know that this is where He is asking me to go.   I know this because I have seen myself change in ways I never thought possible and yearning for that next step in the change.  It is not scary, it is not without direction.  I was blessed to find a spiritual director this year, after close to 13 years of seeking one out.  This relationship has been the catalyst for so much growth within me that I hardly recognize myself at times.  I am thankful that I keep a journal to see this transformation in a more objective way.

On the outside, I may not seem much different, but I know I am seeing things through different eyes today.  And this is the blessing.

As far as my goals for 2013, they won't change much from 2012.  The only change will be to narrow the path even more so as to focus my efforts even more on the 5 Things.  By fall, the 5th thing will be reached and a new goal will begin.  The freedom of being debt free will allow us to do things for our future that we have not yet been able to accomplish.  I am looking forward to that!

My threshold through which my daily life will pass will be two-fold.  I will strive to continue to find joy in each day and I will be practicing the true nature of Gospel Charity.   As my faith tells me, I must find Christ in every person that I meet.  I must love them as Christ would love them.  As I sat in Mass last night, I prayed to God that He show me how I can better do this.
Gospel Charity were the words I heard.  Gospel Charity.  Of course!  How can I possibly "see" or "love" someone as Christ would if I do not "think" of them as Christ does?  Gospel Charity needs to begin in my head, move to my heart and then the act will come naturally. 

This will be a challenge for me, this I know.  I hold myself to a very high standard of expectation and as a result, I hold others to that same standard.  This is unfair of me and something I have been trying to change for quite some time.  2013 will give me the opportunity to put this into true practice.

Since this blog is where I tend to document my athletic endeavors, I will share my goals that I have defined thus far.
My main focus for 2013 will be to finish Ironman Texas.  I can't really set many goals past that point as I do not know what I will feel like after the race.  I would "like" to consider another go at the 100, but I am not ready to commit to that just yet.  I hope to at least fit in some 50s.  Only He knows where He will bring me.  

2013 will be a big year for our family.  We will see a college graduation, a high school graduation, an Ironman finish (hopefully), our son going off to college, preparations for Confirmation for Lem and Reconciliation and Eucharist for Boo.  I am certain many other things will bless our lives this coming New Year and  I look forward to every moment.  For even in our trials and hardships we are blessed.

Au Revoir 2012! 

Wordsless Monday

Advent 2012

I have been thinking of Advent as it fast approaches this year.  Everyone, it seems, is in such a hurry to get to Christmas.  Stores had decorations up before Halloween, neighbors had lights up weeks before Thanksgiving, and the commercials and mail ads have been hitting our home en masse!

Living in a warm climate, the liturgical seasons really help to provide a natural pause to life, a natural season that we might not have without the weather to remind us of what month it is on the calendar.  80 degree Halloweens, with 80 degree Thanksgivings, followed by sudden temperature drops plunge us right into our 50 degree winters/Christmas.  Advent is an after thought, if considered at all.

I rather enjoy the gentle warmth of Thanksgiving and fall and then lean into the season of Advent, slowly, intentionally, and purposefully.

Reviewing past blog posts about Advent, this one from my older blog seemed to bring me back to simpler times.  Funny thing is, I remember how "stressed" and "too busy"; "too worldly" we seemed to be.  I suppose it always seems that way. 

This year, Advent will be a time, once again, to focus our lives on the simple beauty of Christmas, through the preparational time afforded to us through our Heavenly Father.  How wise and wonderful He is to give us these times and seasons of preparation!

I have learned in the last many years that living simply does not mean sitting around doing things.  It does mean that in having less, we may do more work.  For instance, having convenience foods sitting in the pantry may seem to make meal prep go faster, but it does not do anything to remove clutter from our lives.  Pie crust mixes, pre-packaged cookie and cake mixes, may seem handy, but they take room and don't we already have all of the ingredients needed to make these things?

What we don't have is the time.  Living simply, to me, means stripping away the busy-ness of life that keeps me from making homemade cookies and cakes, and delicious made-from-scratch meals that my family loves.  When I am too busy answering calls, texts, emails, etc, to be "with" my family, my children, then something must change.  Yes, it means once again saying "No" to outside comittments and no one likes to hear "No".  I know I don't like saying it.  But it is necessary for the life I aspire to have.

New Year Resolutions for 2012 were simple.  No activities were going to be allowed into our lives if they did not help these five areas of my family's life.

1.  Relationship with God
2.  Relationship with spouse
3. Relationship with children
4. Health and fitness
5. Becoming free from Debt.

As we approach the close of the liturgical year and the year of 2012, we are closer than ever to these goals.  There have been a few detours and bumps in the road, but all in all, we are on the right path.

May you each be blessed by the season of Advent and may you always for the joy and peace that God has for you.

Pruning

I've been doing a bit of pruning in my life and as it seems, it hurts.  But once the cut occurs, the healing begins and the peace sets in.   Amazingly, a new sense of freedom fills the void left behind by the pruning.  And then I know that all is right.

Today completes my first full week of Ironman Texas training.  It has been fun to get back to the swimming and leaving my comfort zone, tried mountain biking today.  On Wednesday I was able to get a 5K in for Heart Rate Training purposes and establish zones for the next 25 weeks of training.

I plan to run another time trial this week to double check my numbers as my Garmin chest strap has not been very reliable.  A new one should arrive sometime this week.

Week two of training will need to be tweaked a bit to allow for closures at the Y due to Thanksgiving.  Spin classes are canceled and the evening pool times have changed.  Knowing what I have to get in this next week makes it easier to adjust the schedule for the entire week.

Puppy Rosie is growing bigger every day.  She has been with us 4 weeks already.  She has come a long way on her leash training and can "Sit" very well.  She still has some work to do in the "potty-training" department, but we see hope that in the next few weeks, she will be trained completely.

Heaven

With great sadness I write today to let my followers know that the young boy, Hans, who is/was my inspiration for running my first 5K, entered Heaven yesterday.

As it was, I had my own little boy, Boo, at the doctor yesterday for a suspicious looking mole on his back.  I thought of Hans all day and wondered how he was doing.  This morning, I received the message that he has passed away.

I feel so selfish for my tears, my anger, my pain.  I did not walk the path of cancer with Hans.  His family and very close friends did.  My tears, anger, and pain come from the sorrow that this family must feel, and the complete helplessness that I feel about not being able to do much after praying.

What do we pray for?  A healing?  A miracle?  Understanding? Comfort? Heaven?  When the pain is so great, do we pray for it all to just stop?  I know I did with my Mom.  But for a young boy?  A boy of only 9 years?  Sometimes, I just don't understand.  But I do know this.  Hans changed the hearts and lives of many, many people. He was the inspiration for me to run a 5K after a mere 5 weeks of running experience.  He afforded me the opportunity to DO something WHILE praying.  And he continues to provide this for me.

The family has asked that we pray for them.  And if you are so inclined, please pray a Sorrowful Mystery of the Rosary.   I am off to hug my babies. 

Blessings Run

Heading into this weekend, I had full knowledge that getting my miles in was going to prove to be a challenge, but I had a plan and the plan worked...in my mind.

Then reality showed up as the front door and took any hope of what I thought would be away.  I kept my head about me and re-figured my plan.  And then reality showed up again.  So once more, I re-figured the plan and again, reality won out.  Slowly, I could feel the fires of angst being stoked.

I am embarrassed to admit that many times this is the way things go in my life, and I tend to just throw my hands up and stress about missed mileage, missed workouts, and act badly with bouts of pouting and frustration.  Over the past several months, I have been working on my attitude when these things come up and today afforded me the perfect opportunity to exercise my "blessings" muscle.

Today's lesson looked like this:                              

I am going to run in Huntsville!  -

Reality showed up when Mark told me he was working today which meant I needed to stay close to home for the kids. 

Blessing realized - I have a wonderful husband willing to work 6-7 days a week to provide the kids and I a very good life.  

I have happy, healthy, active children that require me to be with them to keep them safe, fed, and cared for.  

I switched the plan to run with my local running club early in the morning. -

Reality showed up in the form of an adorable little boy who wanted to crawl into bed 20 minutes before my alarm because he was scared and needed his mommy.  Early morning run out.

Blessing realized - Boo is 6 years old and chances are, he won't be climbing into bed with me many more times.  He is working through his developmental fears and I am so thankful that I can be the one to be there for him, (thunder, dark, scary noises, all a big deal to a little boy).

I decided to run as soon as the kids were awake while the older kids were around to babysit. -

Reality once again arrived in the form of little Boo sneaking downstairs to surprise me with a "breakfast".

Blessing realized -  He poured a cup of coffee with cream, placed it onto the table with a cute little clementine on a plastic toddler plate.  He was so excited to see my reaction to his efforts!  He told me he could only pour a little coffee because the pot was so heavy and he used the plastic plate because he couldn't reach the ceramic plates.  He and I sat together and enjoyed the moment.  He savored watching me eat the orange and drink the coffee.  It was a priceless moment that I would never have had if "my plan" had happened.

Switched up the plan one last time to just go run for two hours while the teens were still at home. -

Reality, my dear companion, reminded me that my teens had a busy day at Church serving at Mass and then a Baptism service.  This meant I had less then 2 hours to get my mileage in.  

Blessing realized - Mark and I are blessed with amazing kids that feel called to serve others as much as they can.  We are continually humbled by their dedication to God, to our faith, and to our parish.  We are inspired by their witness.  

I headed out the door promising my son that I would be back in plenty of time for him to get to the Church.  As I set out on my 90 minute run, these thoughts filled my mind.

Sure, I want to run for 2 hours, but I get 90 minutes.  I am blessed to have 90 minutes.  To run.  To pray.  To sing along with my music.  To see the town.  To feel the sun.  To feel the rain.  To breathe.  I also had the blessing of snuggling with Boo, having breakfast with him, and reassuring his sweet soul.  

 I had 90 minutes to offer thanksgiving for the friends and family in my life, some of whom were having great races today!    

I had 90 minutes to pray for the soul of an acquaintance from our Church family that gained her eternal life this morning after 10 months of battling cancer.  While I rest in the knowledge that she is blissfully happy, I grieve with her family who will miss her so much until they are once again re-united.  

Would I have given up 30 minutes of run time for all of that?  Yes, I would.  In fact, I would give the entire run up for that. 

Simplicity

Living simply has been something I have been working towards for several years now.  The term itself just exudes a beauty that I long to capture in my daily life.

But as human nature would have it, as my nature would have it, living simply has become overly complicated.  And ironically, in order to strive to live simply, any google search will leave you wanting to buy more books and systems that claim to help simplify and organize our lives while filling our shelves and minds with even more stuff.  We often spend precious time we so desperately long to keep to ourselves culling through websites trying to find the magic key to this so called nirvana of a more peace-filled life.

I have had numerous posts roaming through my mind on this topic of late, especially since we were dealing with a very intense personal situation in which all that we as a family knew was being threatened by an outside person who was unknown to us until very recently.  

Thankfully, that person has been stopped and while the "situation" is not over nor is it resolved, we feel a bit more at ease.  Living through 4 months of constant stress and uncertainty of what would happen at any given moment that would require immediate action, has left me with many lesson.  Some of those lessons pertain directly to living more simply, in a very tangible way.  One of the most important lessons I have taken away from this experience is this...

Life is NOT an emergency.  There are urgent situation which arise, sometimes more often than I would like, but my LIFE is a gift.  It is to be treasured.  It is to be enjoyed.  Even in the most difficult times, the most challenging situations.  It is NOT to be lived as though I am on auto pilot, or even worse, as if I have no say in what I do with my time while I am here.  Life is precious.   Ann Voskamp states, "Life is not an emergency, it is Eucharisteo!"  

There are three areas that I find simplicity must be found in to be truly successful.

1.  The physical world in which we live:   Our stuff must minimize to make room for our hearts and souls to fill.  This is the culling through process which so many of us welcome....getting rid of stuff.  The trick is to keep the stuff away in the first place. The way in which we discern what to keep and what to decline must relate to our frame of reference.  For me and for my family, this is a deeply spiritual process and therefore #2 on this list must be addressed first.

2.  Our time:  Our calendars fill up quickly with many wonderful and many obligatory activities.  It must be a priority to simplify our daily lives in the realm of time to allow for the next step on this list.  In order for us to prioritize which activities are best FOR us, we must understand what our purpose is.   To discover this, we must spend time, in the classroom of silence, listening to what He has to tell us.  Every day. First thing.  Even before coffee...ok, maybe with coffee in hand.  

3.  Spiritually:  We can get bogged down in our faith lives too.  Trying to pray just the right way, attending the perfect retreat or bible study.  We over-complicate the simplest of ideas.  Love.  Love one another.  Love God.  Love yourself.  It is that simple.   Once we understand what we are being called to, we can better define number 1 and number 2.  

I plan to take each of these areas and expand on them separately.  Hopefully, I won't lose to many of you, but I do understand if this is not your cup of tea.  

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.  ~Leonardo DaVinci