Leading the Heart

Leading the Heart.  That's pretty much my mantra right now.  Much of my running lately has been under the "I really don't want to" category.  That was until this past weekend at Texas Trails.  I signed up for the race to help spur my motivation level and try to stoke the flame to keep training for Rocky.  I am thankful that I think it was some good time to run and clear my head and hear what I needed to hear.

It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I have been really considering dropping out of the 100 at Rocky.  Yet, just when I make up my mind to do so, something stirs me to pick up the baton again and "just get it done." 

I know that "just get it done" should not be a justification for running a 100 miles.  In fact, I don't think I would ever suggest to anyone that they consider such a thing if that was their attitude toward a particular race goal.  But I know myself well enough to understand that I am not really dealing with motivation here.  I am discovering that what is truly going on is a serious case of self-doubt, exhibiting itself as lack of motivation and even downright dread of doing something that  I love to do. 

Understanding that this is what is driving my training, I've made the conscious decision to just get it done.  I am training as if I will be running the 100.  I am confident that by leading my heart,  and at times yanking it along, to the start line in February, I will be physically ready to take on this race. The mental aspect of the race is where the true challenge will lie for me.  It always is. 

 I have been listening to Downhere, a group I heard live recently, and these lyrics hit me in a new way the other day...(from the song Something Heavenly )

I'm so far from what I wanna be
I really am my own worst enemy
Please don't let me get the better of me
take this earthly thing and make it finally
something heavenly

 In running, in my faith life, in all areas of my life, this verse could be applied.  I don't know how it happens, but I wake up every now and again and realize that I have taken control of the very thing I need to let go of if I want it to be successful.  Because "I" can do nothing, but in Him, all things can be done, if it is His will.

So I will train as if it is His will for me to run this race.  I will act as if it is.  I will suit up and I will show up, and if I truly trust in His will for me, even in something as trivial as running, I will accept where ever I end up on Feb 5th.